I was cleaning off my desk today and ran across something I had written down, just weeks after I miscarried. 

"One more time. Not because it won't be terrible if it happens again, but because it will be wonderful if it doesn't." 

This I found on a website talking about TTC after miscarrying, a husband talking to his wife. I shared it with my husband at the time, tears quickly sprang forward and he said let's try again when you are ready. Well, we both are ready, and have been trying. And running across this made me think of then and what we were dealing with and now on our newest journey.

We haven't had the easiest of journeys and I know there are lots of couples who have longer and harder stories to tell and I grieve with you when you grieve. Loosing a child is the hardest thing ever, it doesn't matter if you are a few days pregnant or lots further ahead. You still develop all sorts of feelings and love for the little one growing inside of you. We have now lost two in early weeks of pregnancy. This most recent one was harder to deal with. I am not sure why, could it be my age? Could it be that I see my little one who is two running all over the place and know that we'd like to produce a life long friend for her? I am not sure. When I was told, I actually had gone in for my first appointment with the doctor at 10 weeks. I met with her, she was doing the quick ultrasound and said, "gee, I am never really good w/these" and sent me on to have two ultrasounds right then and there. I came back to meet w/my doctor who told me the news. She was crying as she told me the news that there was no heartbeat and growth had stopped a few weeks before. I think she was waiting for me to break down right there. I didn't. With bad news, it usually takes me a while to process and then I am a mess.

Three days before my birthday I had my D&C, it was hard in the respect I was going into a clinic seeing all sorts of mama bellies knowing I'd be coming out empty handed. My husband and daughter came with that day to wait for me and take me home. Right before I left them, my little one came up and kissed my belly, that was one of the hardest things to do was let her kiss my belly one last time.

In a month's time we will attend a burial for the remains of our dear little one. Our hospital participates in the SHARE program and twice yearly they perform a burial for those pregnancies lost early. We attended their memorial service at Christmas which helped us through that time, we brought an ornament to place on the hospital Christmas trees that they will put out each year. We brought one for our first loss as well. It was phenomenal to see the parents that still return years after their loss. Some of them told me it made them happy to do this for their little ones not with them.

As we TTC number two out of four, maybe luck will be on our side. I keep hoping it will. This time we are under the same roof, we weren't with the first child we loss and with our current little one, though married, we were living in two different cities to remain employed, working in TTC on weekends. With the third pregnancy we had hoped to time it just right, we got pregnant within two cycles of trying, the wee one just didn't develop right. I still worry, the fear of loosing yet another, the weight I put on worrying, the lack of extra income, how will we do this, but we know we'd love to add to our small family and I have to set those worries aside and trust that it will all turn out in the end. Those words echo in my head, "it will be wonderful if it doesn't" and that keeps us wanting to continue on our journey to try. So here is hoping and praying that we will be able to welcome another and perhaps others to our small family. And wishing all those on a similar journey the best of luck.